I need summer and reinforcement on my mind that I won’t spend it in pain, every time I wake up.
It was the worst summer of my life and one I’d like to forget as soon as possible. Months of nonstop pain and crying.
I’m hoping this summer will be one filled with more joy, singing and losing myself in eternity with you. I hope we can sit next to each other playing PSP and hanging out with mutual friends and having sleepovers.
Don’t make this one worse.
I’m so happy. I miss you but I’m happy. You actually texted me first and said that you missed me and called me multiple times just to hear my voice.
You were just as happy as Ito hear eachother’s voices. And you picked me up from work, and you actually sat and cuddled with me and I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to have you with me. I wish I expressed my appreciation and feelings towards you more often, that half hour was breathtakingly wonderful and joyous.
I got your blue sweatshirt and I’m wearing old new pajama pants in your sweatshirt.
I’ve never been so calm.
i love you
I hate being ignored.
The embodiment of annoyance and frustration, the very bare essence of paranoia. It leaves a sour taste in my mouth, and the very fact there is nothing I can do to prevent it is irritating.
I don’t want to be ignored by you, Nick. Tell me you’re studying or something; at least that way I won’t be grasping at thin air, unable to tell if you care or if you’re being pestered. The attention you give me is sometimes the only fuel there is to burn.
There are nothing but apologetic feelings that need to be resolved towards you right now. The guiltiness that stains my mind even after just acting insecure is enormous. Does that make me sane? Or does it fling me into territory in which you’re trying to escape?
I’m sorry dear. I’m so, so sorry.
Being subtle isn’t always an option and
i can’t push my concerns around the curb
if there was an alternative way to
get my mind out without screaming i would
you’re like a too bright ray of sunshine when it’s
112 degrees outside and
it’s a blessing moreso than a curse
cause the sun is shining even if it hurts
i can’t breathe without you
i can’t see in the light without you
i know we have differences and we’re deranged
stay a minute, i want you here
it makes it easier to see again
if i could hold your hand till i bled to death
somehow i think i’d take it
i think i’d take it
i’m not one to grieve and give pittance but
you’re maybe the sole loen exception
it kind of stings to remember deception
i thought we moved on from this
you’re like a blanket in the middle of winter
but i have a heater in my room
you feel nice but i am overheating in
your grasp but i don’t want to leave
i can’t breathe without you
i can’t see in the light without you
i know we have differences and we’re deranged
stay a minute, i want you here
it makes it easier to see again
if i could hold your hand till i bled to death
somehow i think i’d take it
i think i’d take it
you’re like a too bright ray of sunshine
it’s 212 degrees outside
it’s a curse more than a blessing
cause the sun is shining even if it hurts
and i don’t have the power to stop it
you’re like a ray of sunshine
one i hate to love
why can’t I just pull out my sunblock?
i love the way you feel
you’re beautiful and i can’t get enough of you
even though it’s burning me
Pulses quickening and veins contracting. My head won’t carry a solid thought. It dissipates as though it were rubbing alcohol, there one moment then no trace besides a vague scent that doesn’t really reveal what it was. And that too disappears in a moment, leaving me confused and slightly on edge.
Why am I here? Why am I so scared I’ve made you upset? Friends are easily replaced, right? Then why is this thought coursing it’s way through my entire being?
It’s terrifying.
I hate this.
I hate this.
And I’ll probably remember for a while that for once, the tears on my face weren’t my own.
Shaking and trembling with no sense of “put together” anywhere in my body, we held onto eachother even though one of us couldn’t make up their mind on their feelings.
Semi-unrequited love is painful and I kind of want to kill myself right now.
Two years, or maybe three years ago, I was naive and maybe so depressed it wasn’t a personality quirk, it was my life. I fell headfirst into the world. Whereas I had once been slowly integrated from a young age starting with grim fascination and morbid experiences, now I had been pushed forcefully with no forewarning that “life” would be soon teaching me an experience I consider important today. Possibly even more so than anything else in life, from Biology to any other academic topic currently floating to and fro in my head.
Love. Is that stupid? I don’t care if it is, because it’s dear to me.
I was 13 and I had my first kiss. I was 13 and somehow, I was filling this void that had opened and showed no signs of stopping its grab on my heart and body making an empty crevice I couldn’t hide.
I was 13 and I had my first intense crush. I had persistent crushes on boys I consider close friends nine years later, but this was more than butterflies and blushes. My mind had changed entirely and my existence revolved around, “when can I get on skype and see him again? What if he ignores me again?”
Eventually it got to the point where I would do anything for him. I would lay out my very arteries upon walkways for him if he so wished. But he didn’t care about me, at least not in a mutual way. Of course compliments were offered, affectious terms reaching my ears and joking claims of “I love you,” in his joking language.
But he didn’t care what happened to me.
I was just an object to be used to his own amusement. Whether he wanted to toy around or wanted to ignore me, my reactions were his gain. It didn’t matter if either of us lied or cheated. We weren’t even in a relationship. We didn’t hold hands. We rarely cuddled. He encouraged me to cut his name into my skin and send him pictures. And I was the foolish one.
By the time I had finally gotten over him and into high school, I was still aching and crying. In January 2012 that changed, and May of that year crushed it into dust and what stood in that ruin was an issue with trusting him and blaming myself for ever lying. This left a perfect environment for my current issues to flourish and take root, an infinitely large weed but only with hallucinations and moods switching from month to month.
Then in December, after two months of agony and confusion mixed in with tears and lust, the hallucinations lightened and I could see a doorway leading out. I still can’t reach it, but it’s there and I know it’s a way out.
I’m still not sure if I can do this or not, but it’s worth trying.
so what about you
and what about me
what we used to be
is now a sad memory
i don’t wanna say you’re still in my head
but you were and you still are
Why’s it so much sweeter this time round, why’s the effort put in given such delights?
God, this second chance thing in our relationship is fantastic. It’s by far much better than when we first dated, and I feel like I just know him a lot better and he knows me the same. I’ve emotionally matured and so has he.
Everything is kind of magnified, and even though we’ll in all aspects most likely break up, I feel as if right now is just fine as long as we’re honest with each other. Maybe I’m all sentimental thoughts and dreams, and by far this isn’t everything but it’s damn close and I’m willing to set a bet that it’ll get there.
I’m still dealing with my own problems and insecurities but so are you. My biggest anticipation is that we’ll stay together for the longest length of time we’re able without falling to insanity at each other.
